Staring contest.

When I am perhaps too overwhelmed or possibly fresh out of tears, I stare.

Sometimes at the TV, but usually at some inanimate object that I bore in to as my tired mind and heart take a breather.

My progesterone levels came back and it doesn't sound good. I am waiting for the doctor to call and confirm but it sounds like I did not ovulate. Until I hear those words from the doctor however I am mostly keeping distant from the scared and pissed off emotions I know are waiting in the wings.

So for now...I stare.

I have seen women who struggle with infertility complain when women talk about how they are scared for labor, terrified to a parent or how creepy pregnancy is. That these women need to just be grateful and blessed.

But the truth is, I feel all of these things! I want to be a mother so bad it's painful but that doesn't change my views on the other.

I am hands down terrified to be a parent. It's easy to singularly judge parents' decisions or think we can do it better, but to actually raise a child? You are responsible for helping to raise a child to be the best human being they can be. Now that is responsibility. 

Pregnancy. It's is a tad creepy. It is a beautiful miracle which I COMPLETELY agree with...but think about it. Something that looks like a minnow grows in you, attaches itself to you, uses your nutrition to grow and can make you pee your pants if it, once bigger, kicks you the wrong way. Your feet swell for some reason which I am still unsure of and you carry around a bowling ball (or watermelon) until it is time for labor. And labor? Oh holy cow. Your vagina stretches 10cm which might as well be 10 feet while envisioning it,  I am scared to rip or tear and the though of an epidural makes me squirm and please nurse, do not tell me if I poop on the table. 

That all being said...I can't wait to go through it all if it means bringing home a healthy happy little baby.

On a side note, here is a link of what not to say to someone struggling with infertility...let the eye rolling begin!
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Glee carbs and tears.

Hello Friday night!

I had plans tonight while Michael climbs with friends but I cancelled them because I am just all over the place. Today marks day 14 of my cycle so I finished Clomid last week and Estradiol (estrogen) a couple of days ago. I had fewer hot flashes, only a couple of headaches and so far my breasts are not as bad as last month. I felt a little uneven but not too emotional, but that seemed to change a few days ago. Now we are back to random bouts of sadness and overwhelming tears.

Cue Glee.

And nothing sounds good, except for some left over bread in the cupboard.

Cue carbs.