In the past few months the holidays whizzed past us at alarming speeds, which included ugly sweaters, pulled back muscles, family, friends, yuletide joy and of course the accompanying hectic feelings that come from wanting to do so much in such a short span.
It can be a very difficult time for those desiring to be parents because when you are READY for them, you are explicitly aware of all of the things you wish you could do with them, whether it be around holidays, social events or a Saturday morning.
We have been blessed in so many ways, and I would never look at a child to fix something, or as a passing fancy. Michael and I have wonderful memories, times shared and have been gifted the ability to form, and to continue to form a strong marriage based on love, respect and adoration (you know, most days. :) ). With all that being said, the two of us feel a specific void when it comes to certain times in the year. I wish we didn't, It almost seems to say what him and i have is not enough, but that is not my intention, nor how either of us feel. It is this innate sense that we are meant to have children with us, and we pray with God's timing that is something coming quickly.
Today I am going for an HSG test (laments terms; a dye is going to get pushed through my fallopian tubes while being x-ray'd to see if there is blockage) which will tell us a lot about how we move forward. I was in panic attack mode momentarily last night, only slightly about the procedure, but largely it was due to the sense that this could be a monumental change in how we look at this. If my tubes are clear, we will move forward with medicated cycles and pray the new medication works for us. On the chance they are not, our journey may be over with trying to conceive.
That thought alone sent me in to my lapse of severe panic mode. They probably aren't. I know this. But I am terrified.
After my heart racing, nail biting, tear fueled pity party passed, I woke up feeling much calmer about the procedure and with the conscious thought that Michael and I will be ok, no matter what. He tells me this consistently, and was nothing short of heroic while I was a ball of tears and trying to catch my breath last night...as has happened too many times over the past few years.
On my way to get ready...
UPDATE:::: the HSG was incredibly painful but they were able to clean minor blockage and my tubes are now completely clear!!!!!! I will be starting femara soon!!!! Eeeeek!!!
