They didn't know they were pregnant...

I may not either?!

Ever since I can remember I can manifest symptoms that make me think I could be pregnant. This has matured (or arguably been reduced) to thinking I may be one of those women who pops out a child on their gym floor because they had no idea they were pregnant. They couldn't possibly have gotten pregnant so why would they think they were?

The only problem is I am going through this almost monthly. Maybe the period was really light. Implantation spotting! French fries and peanut butter sound good? Pregnancy cravings! Suddenly start to cry... First trimester hormones!

Ahhhhh!

I have been told I am not ovulating, but maybe the doctors are wrong and I will be one of those women who did not think it was possible and then Surprise!!

Its possible.

Highly improbable I am aware.

For now, I will continuously pee on sticks, wonder if my pelvic pain is ovulation, and dream that maybe, just maybe, I will go in to labor while on a remote camping trip and be able to say "I was told I couldn't get pregnant and now look at me!"

Now even I want to slap myself.

Trying not to think about it

A friend has a cousin who is supposedly pregnant. This girl is apparently unfit to be a mom and the friend is going to encourage adoption after pregnancy is confirmed. The part that I am trying not to think about is that this friend would suggest Michael and I to be the adoptive parents.

It brings such hope and heartbreak to my heart to even begin to think on this...I got chills while she was telling me but the part that made my heart skip a beat? The baby would have the exact same nationality as a biological child of ours would.

That little part mystifies me and is causing me to hold on to this as a possibility. The logical side knows how insane this sounds and if this were a cartoon my brain would jump out and smack me with a "SMACK" bubble displayed prominently.

But what if?

The claw of Clomid and unfortunate side effects

I went from feeling like we were in gridlock on the freeway to being detoured through a bad part of town.

Clomid did not work. My levels were doubled, but still incredibly low meaning once again no ovulation.
I immediately knew we would not try it again right away. We were already apprehensive to increase it before and agreed to take a break if it didn't work again.

Stating that and accepting that are two very different things.

One of the reasons I did not want to go on Clomid again is because it makes me a raving lunatic. Crying randomly and in a dark place it was not fun for me or Michael. I truly believe it reacted with me badly due to past issues with depression so since it didn't help me ovulate I knew it wasn't worth it.

Two months later and I finally feel free from the claw of Clomid which is wonderful! (all about silver lining's right now). I am focusing on getting healthier and since I had a miscarriage at 20 pounds lighter 4 years ago, there is a possibility I will ovulate on my own when lighter.

Clomid not working brought about the discussion of adoption again and while I am 100% excited for that idea, I am pained to not be able to provide a child for Michael. he says that's ok and that he would love any child as his own...it's still a feeling of failure on my part. I do know however, that those are feelings I need to deal with and process.

Can't I just reach a certain age and not need to improve or learn anything?
:)

Also, I went on Metformin to assist in possibly balancing hormones and maybe weight loss but guess what...I freakin' GAINED. I had thoughts of ovulating on this medication, losing weight, etc. and now I am trying to lose the weight it put on. Thanks body, for being so predictably difficult.