I needed a moment

The first month of Clomid did not result in happy tears unfortunately. Instead it resulted in frustration and sadness, after which I desperately needed a moment to process it all.

We started on 50mg and I tolerated it pretty well. I had hot flashes and sore breasts, trouble sleeping and could get the urge to cry at a stiff breeze. (Michael asked me to peel oranges one day and I burst in to tears).
One thing however that I find intolerable is the fact that it was painful during sex at times. After speaking to a few people it sounds like Clomid can cause cervical dryness and I am looking in the recommended lubricants. (preseed?)

I had the vaginal ultrasound which showed "cysts" (follicles) which was a great sigh even if they weren't as big as the doctor would want. One week later I had a blood test to confirm ovulation.

Confirm ovulation it did not however. My progesterone was at .8 which is a horrible response to Clomid and tells me that it did not work for me.

While I knew it was possible it didn't work I was convinced it had. The positive ultrasound and side effects made me think I did ovulate and by golly I could get pregnant. We had sex, I tried not to move for 30 minutes, I ate well, exercised, took my vitamins. And then was told it wouldn't have worked anyways.

Maybe it was the exercise...
:)
Sigh.
I was told that the doctor wanted to triple the Clomid, add estrogen and progesterone for month #2 which has us immediately unsure. Adding too many medications is a reason we wouldn't do IVF and it concerns me to ingest things that could harm a potential baby.
After talking to the doctor however she only wanted to increase it by 25 mg and which makes me feel a little better about it all, but I do not see us increasing it any more.
I struggle with the thought of stopping the medication or stopping the increase but at what point are we trying to play God? At what point am I just not meant to carry a child? I have always felt that I am meant to, but what if thats purely emotional and not what God has in store for me?

There is no easy answer, The only thing I do know however is that we are meant to be parents, even if it's not  biologically. If the Clomid doesn't work this month, we are going to start the process to become foster parents again which is exciting. Michael has been amazing and I am so very blessed to call him my husband and best friend.