Temporarily Broken.

I don't know what to write but I feel the distinct need to.

.......

Instead of announcing the pregnancy that just one week ago had us in a blissful plane of happiness, I am instead writing about the miscarriage I am currently going through.

Six weeks along, some don't consider that to be a monumental thing to go through...to those people, I say Fuck you.

There was a life growing inside of me.

It no longer is.

Add in that it took us almost five years to see that amazing double line and "PREGNANT" leaping off of the stick...married, in love...and it finally happened. Only to be ripped away from us. I don't care if someone else went through something "worse." If someone went through something worse than that, it doesn't negate the other persons feelings or experiences.

I can hardly describe the ecstatic joy we felt, expecting a child. We adore one another, immensely enjoy each other and don't "need" a child, but we are meant to be parents, together. It felt so RIGHT. As if there was something complete that we didn't even know was missing. And while I know no one is perfect and life is anything but, it's the only word that comes close to describing the happiness we both felt.

Thinking back on the day I found out I was pregnant is bittersweet. I honestly thought the damn test was defective because it was a positive. I contacted my IF group girls and then went out to buy name brand tests and they immediately came back Positive as well. It was incredible. I broke down in hysterical tears, laughter and utter disbelief. Telling my mom, giving Michael a Father's Day card which is how I always wanted to tell him, telling our close friends and family, my girls...all amazing memories that now seem distant and foggy. There is a cloud of truth and sadness that fades in and out, threatening a rain of delusion and depression.

Michael and I were scared, and we talked about our fears but decided to delve in to the utter ecstasy of expecting parents, praying, begging, PLEADING, that the pregnancy and baby were healthy...so holding hands in our sappy, cavity inducing fashion, we started to dream within our new reality. Hesitantly, and then head over heels, feet first in to the pool of pending parenthood.

Something I am trying to be aware of in my own messed up state is to check in with that amazing man I married, because it is the two of us dealing with this. He instantaneously became "Dad" and even now doesn't want to lose that feeling as he says it made him want to be a better man.

I mourn for his feelings and dreams...not because they will never happen, but because I know his heart right now. He is concerned for me because he is a loving and strong husband and my protector, but I know he is hurting. His desire to be a father is put on hold just as mine is to be a mother. I may be more emotional, and going through the physical aspect, but that husband of mine has a huge heart...capable of lovingly dealing with my hormones and insanity, which speaks volumes to the capacity of love that man has. He is going to be an AMAZING Dad. I wish with every fibre of my being it were now, or that it was a current title, but whose life is going exactly as they feel it should.

For now I will attempt to....to remain sane?