I struggle with what to write. I strive to live thinking positively...moving forward and being strong. but some days are freaking hard. I think about those quotes about how strong people fight battles you don't know about. So does that mean I am not strong because I desire to talk about it, or long for a friends shoulder to cry on sometimes?
I have always thought of myself as a strong person, but when people tell me to just not think about it, or to not stress about it...does it make me less of a person if I do? Does it mean I am somehow doing it wrong?
The caveat to that is the ones who give you that advice aren't the ones who have struggled with Infertility. People don't understand, and even though I desire some people to understand, they can't. Michael does, and I do. And I have an amazing support system online...why do I need more?
Today is one of those "it's not fair days." I hate these days. Hah. I really do. Michael called earlier and I kept the bitterness out of my voice. He is such a hard worker calling on his lunch break...he doesn't need me to remind him of our struggles right now. Which means I need to stop this BS.
I somehow feel less of a person to admit that I struggle with depression and have been having a hard time since the miscarriage. As if it wasn't a big enough deal...it shouldn't effect me that way. The funny thing is, when I had a cancer scare, or with struggling with Michael's addiction in the past, my sisters, etc., it didn't effect me this way. This is....larger. We have struggled for so many years to become parents and felt that we had our miracle. I should be about 19 weeks pregnant right now. And I am not. Several others around me are still or are now, and yet I did some grotesque two step and am in a club no one wants to be a part of.
Two failed cycles since the miscarriage, I finished the Femara last night for the third cycle. Praying this is our cycle.
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