Partial pity party. Partial Update.

I struggle with what to write. I strive to live thinking positively...moving forward and being strong. but some days are freaking hard. I think about those quotes about how strong people fight battles you don't know about. So does that mean I am not strong because I desire to talk about it, or long for a friends shoulder to cry on sometimes?

I have always thought of myself as a strong person, but when people tell me to just not think about it, or to not stress about it...does it make me less of a person if I do? Does it mean I am somehow doing it wrong?

The caveat to that is the ones who give you that advice aren't the ones who have struggled with Infertility. People don't understand, and even though I desire some people to understand, they can't. Michael does, and I do. And I have an amazing support system online...why do I need more?

Today is one of those "it's not fair days." I hate these days. Hah. I really do. Michael called earlier and I kept the bitterness out of my voice. He is such a hard worker calling on his lunch break...he doesn't need me to remind him of our struggles right now. Which means I need to stop this BS.

I somehow feel less of a person to admit that I struggle with depression and have been having a hard time since the miscarriage. As if it wasn't a big enough deal...it shouldn't effect me that way. The funny thing is, when I had a cancer scare, or with struggling with Michael's addiction in the past, my sisters, etc., it didn't effect me this way. This is....larger. We have struggled for so many years to become parents and felt that we had our miracle. I should be about 19 weeks pregnant right now. And I am not. Several others around me are still or are now, and yet I did some grotesque two step and am in a club no one wants to be a part of.

Two failed cycles since the miscarriage, I finished the Femara last night for the third cycle. Praying this is our cycle.

Feeling Emo.6/19/13

Sipping on a glass of chilled red wine that would make my mom and grandma tsk tsk I am feeling a bit more mellow than moments ago, which reminded me of an angst ridden time, of which I do not like being physically reminded of.

I got news of the miscarriage three weeks ago, and am pondering "am I better." That seems quite convoluted right now. 

Time has passed, most friends don't ask me how I am any more, which is normal I am sure. Life keeps going, the world keeps spinning, and what do you even say? People can't read minds and I think most people feel it necessary to move on, as if to inspire joy which is what the person hung out to fry must want. I know life isn't over. I am incredibly blessed. Things could be worse. They could also be better.

My head is what I would like to reason with. I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy and a shit-tastic sense of self worth, which skews everything in my life. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Spin cycle

 I have been in a whirlpool of not knowing what I should be doing and am thankfully feeling like I am on an exit path from the swirling. I don't like feeling any form of mental instability and the extreme high and then low knocked me around... It scared me for a bit, reminding me of the past as normal lows in life don't make me feel that way anymore, but this was different. But today is a new day, I feel stronger today than I have in a while and have the most energy I have had in several weeks. 

Michael is feeling better as well, which I know is in part because he sees me doing better. I really wanted to not forget about his pain, which sometimes was difficult in my own darkness, but it was definitely worth fighting against. I love that man. 

I am getting my nutrition back on track after my "F-it" approach the past couple weeks, and am back to reducing grains, sugar, artificial sweetener, overly processed foods and white flours. I swear the artificial sweetener is the hardest for me to give up! I was raised on sweet n low and anything "diet" so I am quite accustomed to asperatame and was quite sad when I started to learn more about the potentially harmful chemical. Regardless of long term effects, there has been research that shows it may spike insulin more than regular sugar, therefor being even worse than consuming a regularly sugared syrupy drink. Eek!

Yesterday I started adding Apple Cider Vinegar pills to my routine as it MAY assist in weight loss and lowering insulin, so we shall see. There is an incredible amount of supplements and drinks out there supposedly meant to cure everything from cancer to warts, and I occasionally get sucked in, but usually remain pretty skeptical. This one however caught my eye after being discussed in a PCOS group and there is a lot of information online from people who swear it works..so, what the hell?

On the fertility front, I was given the go ahead to start trying to conceive whenever I was able, with the doctor saying she sees women being most fertile after a miscarriage, maybe something to do with our bodies liking being pregnant. I am wearing the monitor again, and am possibly about to ovulate according to temps. Or it wont happen naturally, and I will take Femara again next cycle.

Whichever happens, we are hopeful <3

Temporarily Broken.

I don't know what to write but I feel the distinct need to.

.......

Instead of announcing the pregnancy that just one week ago had us in a blissful plane of happiness, I am instead writing about the miscarriage I am currently going through.

Six weeks along, some don't consider that to be a monumental thing to go through...to those people, I say Fuck you.

There was a life growing inside of me.

It no longer is.

Add in that it took us almost five years to see that amazing double line and "PREGNANT" leaping off of the stick...married, in love...and it finally happened. Only to be ripped away from us. I don't care if someone else went through something "worse." If someone went through something worse than that, it doesn't negate the other persons feelings or experiences.

I can hardly describe the ecstatic joy we felt, expecting a child. We adore one another, immensely enjoy each other and don't "need" a child, but we are meant to be parents, together. It felt so RIGHT. As if there was something complete that we didn't even know was missing. And while I know no one is perfect and life is anything but, it's the only word that comes close to describing the happiness we both felt.

Thinking back on the day I found out I was pregnant is bittersweet. I honestly thought the damn test was defective because it was a positive. I contacted my IF group girls and then went out to buy name brand tests and they immediately came back Positive as well. It was incredible. I broke down in hysterical tears, laughter and utter disbelief. Telling my mom, giving Michael a Father's Day card which is how I always wanted to tell him, telling our close friends and family, my girls...all amazing memories that now seem distant and foggy. There is a cloud of truth and sadness that fades in and out, threatening a rain of delusion and depression.

Michael and I were scared, and we talked about our fears but decided to delve in to the utter ecstasy of expecting parents, praying, begging, PLEADING, that the pregnancy and baby were healthy...so holding hands in our sappy, cavity inducing fashion, we started to dream within our new reality. Hesitantly, and then head over heels, feet first in to the pool of pending parenthood.

Something I am trying to be aware of in my own messed up state is to check in with that amazing man I married, because it is the two of us dealing with this. He instantaneously became "Dad" and even now doesn't want to lose that feeling as he says it made him want to be a better man.

I mourn for his feelings and dreams...not because they will never happen, but because I know his heart right now. He is concerned for me because he is a loving and strong husband and my protector, but I know he is hurting. His desire to be a father is put on hold just as mine is to be a mother. I may be more emotional, and going through the physical aspect, but that husband of mine has a huge heart...capable of lovingly dealing with my hormones and insanity, which speaks volumes to the capacity of love that man has. He is going to be an AMAZING Dad. I wish with every fibre of my being it were now, or that it was a current title, but whose life is going exactly as they feel it should.

For now I will attempt to....to remain sane?

We will be ok

In the past few months the holidays whizzed past us at alarming speeds, which included ugly sweaters, pulled back muscles, family, friends, yuletide joy and of course the accompanying hectic feelings that come from wanting to do so much in such a short span.

It can be a very difficult time for those desiring to be parents because when you are READY for them, you are explicitly aware of all of the things you wish you could do with them, whether it be around holidays, social events or a Saturday morning.

We have been blessed in so many ways, and I would never look at a child to fix something, or as a passing fancy. Michael and I have wonderful memories, times shared and have been gifted the ability to form, and to continue to form a strong marriage based on love, respect and adoration (you know, most days. :) ). With all that being said, the two of us feel a specific void when it comes to certain times in the year. I wish we didn't, It almost seems to say what him and i have is not enough, but that is not my intention, nor how either of us feel. It is this innate sense that we are meant to have children with us, and we pray with God's timing that is something coming quickly.

Today I am going for an HSG test (laments terms; a dye is going to get pushed through my fallopian tubes while being x-ray'd to see if there is blockage) which will tell us a lot about how we move forward. I was in panic attack mode momentarily last night, only slightly about the procedure, but largely it was due to the sense that this could be a monumental change in how we look at this. If my tubes are clear, we will move forward with medicated cycles and pray the new medication works for us. On the chance they are not, our journey may be over with trying to conceive.

That thought alone sent me in to my lapse of severe panic mode. They probably aren't. I know this. But I am terrified.

After my heart racing, nail biting, tear fueled pity party passed, I woke up feeling much calmer about the procedure and with the conscious thought that Michael and I will be ok, no matter what. He tells me this consistently, and was nothing short of heroic while I was a ball of tears and trying to catch my breath last night...as has happened too many times over the past few years.

On my way to get ready...

UPDATE:::: the HSG was incredibly painful but they were able to clean minor blockage and my tubes are now completely clear!!!!!! I will be starting femara soon!!!! Eeeeek!!!

Just a wee bit frustrated.

As I sit here, I am feeling a mixture of anger, anxiety and sadness take over...battling with the positive side of me I so very much prefer.

I don't want to feel this way. My dream would be to be completely content with knowing "when its our time" we will be parents. I wish, pray, beg that I could believe that 100% of the time.

This frustrating sense of failure and incompetence is exhausting and robs the day of any sunshine. It cheapens the blessings we do share. It wastes minutes, hours, days that we will never get back.

But it doesn't just stop with that knowledge. It sneaks up with a stupid pregnancy announcement. (which when you are infertile they all are and are all stupid. sorry, but it's true ). It pokes at you like thousands of needles as you plan a baby shower. It embodies a vice, suffocating you as family and friends say their ridiculous "helpful" statements. It makes you want to scream when parents talk about you being the lucky one or pregnant people try to make you feel better. It makes wonderful time such as Christmas feel lacking and void of what should or could be. 

It makes you see a second line on a pregnancy test after staring at the stick for five minutes without blinking. 

But most importantly...it makes you feel less like a human being. 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Screw you Infertility. You are unfair. You are bull shit.