It was Thanksgiving evening, cuddling up on a couch at my sister in laws, spending time with family when we whispered that it was time. It was a moment I will never forget.
I have always thought I may have trouble getting pregnant (my sister had the same feeling) and knowing that the women in my immediate family all had some type of gynecological issue did not give me the utmost confidence. I stopped birthcontrol immediately and "practicing" was now the real deal.
And here we are. No bouncing babies. No toddlers to chase after. No decisions about which diapers to use. No babies first Christmas. No creepy pregnancy pics. No screaming at my husband that he did this to me. No 3am feedings.
Its amazing what you long for when you are childless.
Earlier this year I started going to a doctor to determine why I have not been able to conceive. This appointment consisted of a surprise rectal exam (as in there was no warning...so violated), discounting my miscarriage, and an overall feeling of coldness and that I was no closer to finding out what was wrong. She told me to chart my temp for three months, we would talk about my PCOS questions then.
In a nutshell which could easily be a buick, my blood came back funny, I was diagnosed with a form of leukemia, I had a bone marrow biopsy and now they can't find it. I was coming to terms with the fact that we shouldnt be trying anymore because I would not willingly get pregnant if I may go on chemo, and that I could very well die soon. Did I mention they can't find it now? I am still going back every 4 months to monitor my blood but the doctor is not confident in saying I dont have it, or that I do.
After not knowing which way was up we decided I was at least healthy enough that they couldnt find it, so back to the baby making!
My sister in law works for a gynecologist who has had great success in getting couples to conceive so I saw her, fell in love, had a uterine biopsy, just finished Provera and am going ot start Clomid soon.
If you made it to the end of this, go get a cookie or a glass of wine. You deserve it.
No comments:
Post a Comment