Just a wee bit frustrated.

As I sit here, I am feeling a mixture of anger, anxiety and sadness take over...battling with the positive side of me I so very much prefer.

I don't want to feel this way. My dream would be to be completely content with knowing "when its our time" we will be parents. I wish, pray, beg that I could believe that 100% of the time.

This frustrating sense of failure and incompetence is exhausting and robs the day of any sunshine. It cheapens the blessings we do share. It wastes minutes, hours, days that we will never get back.

But it doesn't just stop with that knowledge. It sneaks up with a stupid pregnancy announcement. (which when you are infertile they all are and are all stupid. sorry, but it's true ). It pokes at you like thousands of needles as you plan a baby shower. It embodies a vice, suffocating you as family and friends say their ridiculous "helpful" statements. It makes you want to scream when parents talk about you being the lucky one or pregnant people try to make you feel better. It makes wonderful time such as Christmas feel lacking and void of what should or could be. 

It makes you see a second line on a pregnancy test after staring at the stick for five minutes without blinking. 

But most importantly...it makes you feel less like a human being. 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Screw you Infertility. You are unfair. You are bull shit.

Emotions, Soul Searching and Love.

A few months ago we decided to take a break on using fertility medication. I used Clomid, Prometrium, Estrogen and Estradiol then moved to Vitex for a more natural approach but nothing worked and the prescription meds made me feel like an insane gorilla.

I didn't like what it did to me, which in turn affected US which is definitely not worth it to me.

There is a thought that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey...At what point are we trying to play God? What if I am not meant to carry a child?

The thought that I may never carry a child brought instantaneous tears several months ago...but as I sit here today, there are no tears, only a familiar tug at my heart. I started to battle those tears a few months ago because I had always knew I was meant to be a mom...but what if the thought of wanting to carry a child was only out of feelings and not necessity? Maybe I am not "meant" to have a biological child.

Trying to differentiate between emotions and reality can be a muddled, messy adventure in tears, but I am glad I started the journey.

What I have learned is that if Michael and I would love a child we found on the side of the road, what is causing me to feel like I need to bear a child?

Here is what i came up with;
Would I miss the biological bond? Does the bonding period of carrying a child or breast feeding make or break motherhood?

The answers that I kept coming to were a resounding "no." Of course there is importance in those bonds but I know with 100% certainty that Michael and I would not love or care for a child any less if he or she does not have our genes. In fact we started joking about all of our families issues, wondering why we would want to have a biological child in the first place :)

So here we are, about to attend an orientation in a few days to start the fost/adopt process and we could not be more excited.

They didn't know they were pregnant...

I may not either?!

Ever since I can remember I can manifest symptoms that make me think I could be pregnant. This has matured (or arguably been reduced) to thinking I may be one of those women who pops out a child on their gym floor because they had no idea they were pregnant. They couldn't possibly have gotten pregnant so why would they think they were?

The only problem is I am going through this almost monthly. Maybe the period was really light. Implantation spotting! French fries and peanut butter sound good? Pregnancy cravings! Suddenly start to cry... First trimester hormones!

Ahhhhh!

I have been told I am not ovulating, but maybe the doctors are wrong and I will be one of those women who did not think it was possible and then Surprise!!

Its possible.

Highly improbable I am aware.

For now, I will continuously pee on sticks, wonder if my pelvic pain is ovulation, and dream that maybe, just maybe, I will go in to labor while on a remote camping trip and be able to say "I was told I couldn't get pregnant and now look at me!"

Now even I want to slap myself.

Trying not to think about it

A friend has a cousin who is supposedly pregnant. This girl is apparently unfit to be a mom and the friend is going to encourage adoption after pregnancy is confirmed. The part that I am trying not to think about is that this friend would suggest Michael and I to be the adoptive parents.

It brings such hope and heartbreak to my heart to even begin to think on this...I got chills while she was telling me but the part that made my heart skip a beat? The baby would have the exact same nationality as a biological child of ours would.

That little part mystifies me and is causing me to hold on to this as a possibility. The logical side knows how insane this sounds and if this were a cartoon my brain would jump out and smack me with a "SMACK" bubble displayed prominently.

But what if?

The claw of Clomid and unfortunate side effects

I went from feeling like we were in gridlock on the freeway to being detoured through a bad part of town.

Clomid did not work. My levels were doubled, but still incredibly low meaning once again no ovulation.
I immediately knew we would not try it again right away. We were already apprehensive to increase it before and agreed to take a break if it didn't work again.

Stating that and accepting that are two very different things.

One of the reasons I did not want to go on Clomid again is because it makes me a raving lunatic. Crying randomly and in a dark place it was not fun for me or Michael. I truly believe it reacted with me badly due to past issues with depression so since it didn't help me ovulate I knew it wasn't worth it.

Two months later and I finally feel free from the claw of Clomid which is wonderful! (all about silver lining's right now). I am focusing on getting healthier and since I had a miscarriage at 20 pounds lighter 4 years ago, there is a possibility I will ovulate on my own when lighter.

Clomid not working brought about the discussion of adoption again and while I am 100% excited for that idea, I am pained to not be able to provide a child for Michael. he says that's ok and that he would love any child as his own...it's still a feeling of failure on my part. I do know however, that those are feelings I need to deal with and process.

Can't I just reach a certain age and not need to improve or learn anything?
:)

Also, I went on Metformin to assist in possibly balancing hormones and maybe weight loss but guess what...I freakin' GAINED. I had thoughts of ovulating on this medication, losing weight, etc. and now I am trying to lose the weight it put on. Thanks body, for being so predictably difficult.

Staring contest.

When I am perhaps too overwhelmed or possibly fresh out of tears, I stare.

Sometimes at the TV, but usually at some inanimate object that I bore in to as my tired mind and heart take a breather.

My progesterone levels came back and it doesn't sound good. I am waiting for the doctor to call and confirm but it sounds like I did not ovulate. Until I hear those words from the doctor however I am mostly keeping distant from the scared and pissed off emotions I know are waiting in the wings.

So for now...I stare.

I have seen women who struggle with infertility complain when women talk about how they are scared for labor, terrified to a parent or how creepy pregnancy is. That these women need to just be grateful and blessed.

But the truth is, I feel all of these things! I want to be a mother so bad it's painful but that doesn't change my views on the other.

I am hands down terrified to be a parent. It's easy to singularly judge parents' decisions or think we can do it better, but to actually raise a child? You are responsible for helping to raise a child to be the best human being they can be. Now that is responsibility. 

Pregnancy. It's is a tad creepy. It is a beautiful miracle which I COMPLETELY agree with...but think about it. Something that looks like a minnow grows in you, attaches itself to you, uses your nutrition to grow and can make you pee your pants if it, once bigger, kicks you the wrong way. Your feet swell for some reason which I am still unsure of and you carry around a bowling ball (or watermelon) until it is time for labor. And labor? Oh holy cow. Your vagina stretches 10cm which might as well be 10 feet while envisioning it,  I am scared to rip or tear and the though of an epidural makes me squirm and please nurse, do not tell me if I poop on the table. 

That all being said...I can't wait to go through it all if it means bringing home a healthy happy little baby.

On a side note, here is a link of what not to say to someone struggling with infertility...let the eye rolling begin!
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Glee carbs and tears.

Hello Friday night!

I had plans tonight while Michael climbs with friends but I cancelled them because I am just all over the place. Today marks day 14 of my cycle so I finished Clomid last week and Estradiol (estrogen) a couple of days ago. I had fewer hot flashes, only a couple of headaches and so far my breasts are not as bad as last month. I felt a little uneven but not too emotional, but that seemed to change a few days ago. Now we are back to random bouts of sadness and overwhelming tears.

Cue Glee.

And nothing sounds good, except for some left over bread in the cupboard.

Cue carbs.

Nervous Excitement

I called BS when my doctor said I may start my cycle on my own. I will be the first to admit that I was 100% sure she was wrong and that I would have to take something to jump start everything. As a matter of fact I was annoyed at being told ot wait a bit to see if it started.

Well.

Egg on my face foot in my mouth it started! It started with a danged vengeance and I have barely moved in two days but today is day 3 and I start the 75mg of Clomid tonight!

Eek! Once again this cycle will tell a lot about where we go from here but as of right now, I am so incredibly excited to start the process again. In this moment, pregnancy is possible. In this moment, I could have a blessed little child in 9 months. In this moment, I am excited. In this moment, I am not experiencing the side effects yet.

:)

I needed a moment

The first month of Clomid did not result in happy tears unfortunately. Instead it resulted in frustration and sadness, after which I desperately needed a moment to process it all.

We started on 50mg and I tolerated it pretty well. I had hot flashes and sore breasts, trouble sleeping and could get the urge to cry at a stiff breeze. (Michael asked me to peel oranges one day and I burst in to tears).
One thing however that I find intolerable is the fact that it was painful during sex at times. After speaking to a few people it sounds like Clomid can cause cervical dryness and I am looking in the recommended lubricants. (preseed?)

I had the vaginal ultrasound which showed "cysts" (follicles) which was a great sigh even if they weren't as big as the doctor would want. One week later I had a blood test to confirm ovulation.

Confirm ovulation it did not however. My progesterone was at .8 which is a horrible response to Clomid and tells me that it did not work for me.

While I knew it was possible it didn't work I was convinced it had. The positive ultrasound and side effects made me think I did ovulate and by golly I could get pregnant. We had sex, I tried not to move for 30 minutes, I ate well, exercised, took my vitamins. And then was told it wouldn't have worked anyways.

Maybe it was the exercise...
:)
Sigh.
I was told that the doctor wanted to triple the Clomid, add estrogen and progesterone for month #2 which has us immediately unsure. Adding too many medications is a reason we wouldn't do IVF and it concerns me to ingest things that could harm a potential baby.
After talking to the doctor however she only wanted to increase it by 25 mg and which makes me feel a little better about it all, but I do not see us increasing it any more.
I struggle with the thought of stopping the medication or stopping the increase but at what point are we trying to play God? At what point am I just not meant to carry a child? I have always felt that I am meant to, but what if thats purely emotional and not what God has in store for me?

There is no easy answer, The only thing I do know however is that we are meant to be parents, even if it's not  biologically. If the Clomid doesn't work this month, we are going to start the process to become foster parents again which is exciting. Michael has been amazing and I am so very blessed to call him my husband and best friend.

Tick Tock

Day 2 of Clomid.
Am I ovulating yet?
Oh I have to wait?
Of course I do....
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Updates, Updates, get your updates here

January update:
January 1st marked the day I started Prometrium to jumpstart that uterus of mine, and now I am waiting to start Clomid, after three days of my cycle.
I tolerated Prometrium WAY better than the generic Progesterone in November (see weepy tender boobed mess in earlier post) but it was $25 compared to $1...annoying but still worth it. I only had headaches and acne, but generally kept whatever sanity I have left.

Blood test:
PCOS is confirmed with a 3:1 ratio of LSH.
ZERO diabetes
LOW cholesterol

The PCOS confirmation was expected but I am overjoyed about the diabetes and cholesterol! I immediately wanted to drink a milkshake and run a marathon at the same time!

I have been doing pretty good with nutrition and juicing regularly (see In The Kitchen blog) and have lost a few pounds, so am definitely moving in the right direction. The great news on the blood gave me even more inspiration to do what I can to stay healthy and become healthier...for me, my husband and hopefully our child one day.

And for some ever important infertility humor:
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/11/702-would-it-be-great-to-be-pregnant-at-the-same-time/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/708-what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/09/722-just-relax-and-it-wont-happen/

That's what friends are for

My husband is a strong, supportive, caring and great man, but being my best friend and husband means he takes the brunt of every emotion I have whether medically enhanced or not. I adore him and he is my rock, but at the same time, he is my husband. Not a therapist, not a woman...he does not completely get why a Pepsi commercial may make me cry, or why an apple may induce some type of insane connection to being childless...and that is ok. Because of this and the fact that I still want him to want to come home, I have enlisted reinforcements.

While I am excited to start Clomid in a couple days I am aware it could make me a hormonal banchee, so I sent a message to a couple of close friends because just when I should, I do not reach out to others. It takes a lot for me to say I need help emotionally but I am working on that and decided to lay the ground work now, before I decide the world hates me.  My goal is to gain support from people other than my husband because that poor, wonderful man deserves a break and that's what friends are for right? :)

It's SANTA!!

I survived the holidays. Oh praise the Lord.

Christmas has come and gone and the quickness of the arrival and departure of yuletide cheer says something about the years that are starting to quickly pass by.

I love Christmas. My dream house is something out of a National Lampoon movie and would attract passers by like moths to a flame. However, it's a hard time to wish to be parents...once you have kids its all about them so when you go visit family where EVERYONE (4-5 couples) has children, you feel like the odd man out of some inside joke.

The look of a child's face as they view Christmas lights, sing a long to carols, see Santa for the first time,, make their annual gingerbread house, or sloppily smear frosting on freshly baked sugar cookies...its all magical and makes the childless, seemingly barren among us yearn even more. (who knew that was possible?)