Goosfraba

After my last post of wallowing self pity and anger, and after deciding running away would only be a temporary fix, I  somewhat came to my senses.

It's a difficult tightrope act between being in pain and being positive...and sometimes I fall off.
But, it's about how you get back up right?

I went to the doctor recently and apparently I missed my window to be put on Clomid for last month. There was a gap in communication and we needed to start anew this month in December.

After feeling how nuts I was last month and knowing it would be worse after being put on Clomid, I decided to start this process January first, to allow the Christmas season to pass as hormone free as possible and to allow myself some time to start an exercise routine and get on a healthier track.

So we have started juicing to get all the veggies needed and have started to slowly incorporate exercising again...it wasn't an easy decision to put this off for a month, but I think it was the right one.


In a store this past weekend Michael was all smiles and playing with this cute little girl in a cart in front of us which melted my heart and made me want to cry all at the same time. He is ready to be a father, and will make an amazing one when God decides it is time for us.

Done. Just. Done.

A friend of ours suffered a miscarriage. I cried, sent kind words...knowing how hard that pain can be.

Miracle of all miracles they just found out that they didn't have a miscarriage and that they are having a baby boy. Hallelujah.

Now I can't lie and say that there isn't a pang of jealousy...its an ugly truth, and I fight it so that it doesn't overwhelm, but it is there.

That is not what bothered me though.

He put in the comment that "enterlastnamehere's aren't quitters and they don't give up, even when they're tiny."

Really.

does this mean that ever woman who has suffered through a miscarriage or other loss of child has been a quitter or is only the baby a quitter?

I am not narcissistic enough to think that people need to cater to me with every thought and post...but how dare you be so crass.

I. I just can't today.

Up yours Rockwell

As a maternal person, I gravitate towards nannying/babysitting, and have a few families I am working for occasionally right now.

Last night I had a job for a family with a 2 month old baby boy and a 17th month old girl, the parents went out for a Christmas party so I needed to put the little ones to sleep and then work on my homework.

There I am, sitting on the couch, the baby is in the swing after taking a bottle, and the little girl is snuggled up on me to go to sleep. There is a fire going and a sitcom on TV and I am rubbing her back as her breathing slows in to slumber...and all I wanted to do was cry.

Ugh with attempted positivity.

I have been on my cycle for 5 days now and I am SICK of it. And so is my husband. I am so uncomfortable and am EXHAUSTED...battling with either wanting to never leave my bed or wanting to run a marathon only to be reminded that I truly feel like shit.

This is all worth the chance to have a child of course, and it could be worse.

Occupy Ovulation.

Most women who have had or are having difficulty conceiving have undoubtedly researched books or articles on conception. I for one have read and sometimes re-read everything from tips to conceive to basic birds and bees information juuuust in case I am missing something. (we're not).

What is amazing to me is that ANYONE gets pregnant ever. The temperatures, linings and speed of things have to be just so to make a baby...its amazing. (Yet people that have no reason having children seem to have no issue here. Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall).

I know that there is a reason for everything and all but I wish I could understand it...how do I accept that someone begging for formula money in a parking lot somehow needs or deserves a child more than I?

I am officially boycotting my uterus. That'll show it.

or for worse?!?!

I have now finished my ten days of Provera (meant to slap my uterus around to allow myself to have a cycle) and let me just say...my poor husband.

Provera made me a weepy, tender boobed version of myself that could cry at a light breeze or bitch with as little as blinking too much.

It amuses me how the things we do to try and have a baby make me pretty darn hard to be close to. We have approached trying to get pregnant with the attitude that we didn't want to become THAT couple who schedules sex, or only has sex to try and have a baby (we consciously battle that) but with getting serious about light medical intervention, its hard to remain completely fun and spontaneous anymore. Sex has always been fun and adventurous for us...the knowledge that my boobs are sore or that I am about to potentially have the worst cycle ever is such a turnoff.

I need to try even harder to control my emotions at the very least and to focus on making sure my better half remembers how much I adore him.


Coming from my childhood where my dad resented my mom for being a stay at home mom and for everything she did, I always make sure Michael is on the same page as me...I am so incredibly over aware of what can happen if two people are not on the same page so I tend to ask Michael on a quarterly basis if he still feels the same way...Yes, yes, yes. I know in my heart he will be an amazing father but when you see the repercussions of a resentful and angry dad, I vow to not bring that upon my children just because I want to be a mom. I can not claim ignorance because of my own awareness and the fact that my mother has drilled it in to me. So there is absolutely no excuse.

I am ever so thankful for being lead to Michael and for the huge heart that man has. I am blessed and our children will be as well.

Thus far...

we have been trying to have a baby for almost exactly three years.

It was Thanksgiving evening, cuddling up on a couch at my sister in laws, spending time with family when we whispered that it was time. It was a moment I will never forget.

I have always thought I may have trouble getting pregnant (my sister had the same feeling) and knowing that the women in my immediate family all had some type of gynecological issue did not give me the utmost confidence. I stopped birthcontrol immediately and "practicing" was now the real deal.

And here we are. No bouncing babies. No toddlers to chase after. No decisions about which diapers to use. No babies first Christmas. No creepy pregnancy pics. No screaming at my husband that he did this to me. No 3am feedings.

Its amazing what you long for when you are childless.

Earlier this year I started going to a doctor to determine why I have not been able to conceive. This appointment consisted of a surprise rectal exam (as in there was no warning...so violated), discounting my miscarriage, and an overall feeling of coldness and that I was no closer to finding out what was wrong. She told me to chart my temp for three months, we would talk about my PCOS questions then.

In a nutshell which could easily be a buick, my blood came back funny, I was diagnosed with a form of leukemia, I had a bone marrow biopsy and now they can't find it. I was coming to terms with the fact that we shouldnt be trying anymore because I would not willingly get pregnant if I may go on chemo, and that I could very well die soon. Did I mention they can't find it now? I am still going back every 4 months to monitor my blood but the doctor is not confident in saying I dont have it, or that I do.

After not knowing which way was up we decided I was at least healthy enough that they couldnt find it, so back to the baby making!

My sister in law works for a gynecologist who has had great success in getting couples to conceive so I saw her, fell in love, had a uterine biopsy, just finished Provera and am going ot start Clomid soon.

If you made it to the end of this, go get a cookie or a glass of wine. You deserve it.

Tis the beginning

Some people understand fertility issues. Those that do are such a blessing. Those that don't have a tendency to say things that make you want to slap them.

My name is Brittany and I want to be a mommy. I have wanted to be a parent since the age of 3, and knew early on that that was one of my reasons for living. It may sound overly dramatic to some, but its true. My husband is a loving, sincere and strong man who always knew he wanted to be a father one day...I married him knowing what an amazing dad he would be to our children. 

I have people that kind of get it, (most don't) and an amazing husband, but I feel compelled to get out all of the crazy feelings, successes or appointment's along the way, maybe in an attempt to NOT slap the aforementioned.

Wish me well. I would hate to have a felony on my record.