Tick Tock

Day 2 of Clomid.
Am I ovulating yet?
Oh I have to wait?
Of course I do....
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Updates, Updates, get your updates here

January update:
January 1st marked the day I started Prometrium to jumpstart that uterus of mine, and now I am waiting to start Clomid, after three days of my cycle.
I tolerated Prometrium WAY better than the generic Progesterone in November (see weepy tender boobed mess in earlier post) but it was $25 compared to $1...annoying but still worth it. I only had headaches and acne, but generally kept whatever sanity I have left.

Blood test:
PCOS is confirmed with a 3:1 ratio of LSH.
ZERO diabetes
LOW cholesterol

The PCOS confirmation was expected but I am overjoyed about the diabetes and cholesterol! I immediately wanted to drink a milkshake and run a marathon at the same time!

I have been doing pretty good with nutrition and juicing regularly (see In The Kitchen blog) and have lost a few pounds, so am definitely moving in the right direction. The great news on the blood gave me even more inspiration to do what I can to stay healthy and become healthier...for me, my husband and hopefully our child one day.

And for some ever important infertility humor:
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/11/702-would-it-be-great-to-be-pregnant-at-the-same-time/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/708-what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/09/722-just-relax-and-it-wont-happen/

That's what friends are for

My husband is a strong, supportive, caring and great man, but being my best friend and husband means he takes the brunt of every emotion I have whether medically enhanced or not. I adore him and he is my rock, but at the same time, he is my husband. Not a therapist, not a woman...he does not completely get why a Pepsi commercial may make me cry, or why an apple may induce some type of insane connection to being childless...and that is ok. Because of this and the fact that I still want him to want to come home, I have enlisted reinforcements.

While I am excited to start Clomid in a couple days I am aware it could make me a hormonal banchee, so I sent a message to a couple of close friends because just when I should, I do not reach out to others. It takes a lot for me to say I need help emotionally but I am working on that and decided to lay the ground work now, before I decide the world hates me.  My goal is to gain support from people other than my husband because that poor, wonderful man deserves a break and that's what friends are for right? :)

It's SANTA!!

I survived the holidays. Oh praise the Lord.

Christmas has come and gone and the quickness of the arrival and departure of yuletide cheer says something about the years that are starting to quickly pass by.

I love Christmas. My dream house is something out of a National Lampoon movie and would attract passers by like moths to a flame. However, it's a hard time to wish to be parents...once you have kids its all about them so when you go visit family where EVERYONE (4-5 couples) has children, you feel like the odd man out of some inside joke.

The look of a child's face as they view Christmas lights, sing a long to carols, see Santa for the first time,, make their annual gingerbread house, or sloppily smear frosting on freshly baked sugar cookies...its all magical and makes the childless, seemingly barren among us yearn even more. (who knew that was possible?)

Goosfraba

After my last post of wallowing self pity and anger, and after deciding running away would only be a temporary fix, I  somewhat came to my senses.

It's a difficult tightrope act between being in pain and being positive...and sometimes I fall off.
But, it's about how you get back up right?

I went to the doctor recently and apparently I missed my window to be put on Clomid for last month. There was a gap in communication and we needed to start anew this month in December.

After feeling how nuts I was last month and knowing it would be worse after being put on Clomid, I decided to start this process January first, to allow the Christmas season to pass as hormone free as possible and to allow myself some time to start an exercise routine and get on a healthier track.

So we have started juicing to get all the veggies needed and have started to slowly incorporate exercising again...it wasn't an easy decision to put this off for a month, but I think it was the right one.


In a store this past weekend Michael was all smiles and playing with this cute little girl in a cart in front of us which melted my heart and made me want to cry all at the same time. He is ready to be a father, and will make an amazing one when God decides it is time for us.

Done. Just. Done.

A friend of ours suffered a miscarriage. I cried, sent kind words...knowing how hard that pain can be.

Miracle of all miracles they just found out that they didn't have a miscarriage and that they are having a baby boy. Hallelujah.

Now I can't lie and say that there isn't a pang of jealousy...its an ugly truth, and I fight it so that it doesn't overwhelm, but it is there.

That is not what bothered me though.

He put in the comment that "enterlastnamehere's aren't quitters and they don't give up, even when they're tiny."

Really.

does this mean that ever woman who has suffered through a miscarriage or other loss of child has been a quitter or is only the baby a quitter?

I am not narcissistic enough to think that people need to cater to me with every thought and post...but how dare you be so crass.

I. I just can't today.

Up yours Rockwell

As a maternal person, I gravitate towards nannying/babysitting, and have a few families I am working for occasionally right now.

Last night I had a job for a family with a 2 month old baby boy and a 17th month old girl, the parents went out for a Christmas party so I needed to put the little ones to sleep and then work on my homework.

There I am, sitting on the couch, the baby is in the swing after taking a bottle, and the little girl is snuggled up on me to go to sleep. There is a fire going and a sitcom on TV and I am rubbing her back as her breathing slows in to slumber...and all I wanted to do was cry.