I struggle with what to write. I strive to live thinking positively...moving forward and being strong. but some days are freaking hard. I think about those quotes about how strong people fight battles you don't know about. So does that mean I am not strong because I desire to talk about it, or long for a friends shoulder to cry on sometimes?
I have always thought of myself as a strong person, but when people tell me to just not think about it, or to not stress about it...does it make me less of a person if I do? Does it mean I am somehow doing it wrong?
The caveat to that is the ones who give you that advice aren't the ones who have struggled with Infertility. People don't understand, and even though I desire some people to understand, they can't. Michael does, and I do. And I have an amazing support system online...why do I need more?
Today is one of those "it's not fair days." I hate these days. Hah. I really do. Michael called earlier and I kept the bitterness out of my voice. He is such a hard worker calling on his lunch break...he doesn't need me to remind him of our struggles right now. Which means I need to stop this BS.
I somehow feel less of a person to admit that I struggle with depression and have been having a hard time since the miscarriage. As if it wasn't a big enough deal...it shouldn't effect me that way. The funny thing is, when I had a cancer scare, or with struggling with Michael's addiction in the past, my sisters, etc., it didn't effect me this way. This is....larger. We have struggled for so many years to become parents and felt that we had our miracle. I should be about 19 weeks pregnant right now. And I am not. Several others around me are still or are now, and yet I did some grotesque two step and am in a club no one wants to be a part of.
Two failed cycles since the miscarriage, I finished the Femara last night for the third cycle. Praying this is our cycle.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Feeling Emo.6/19/13
Sipping on a glass of chilled red wine that would make my mom and grandma tsk tsk I am feeling a bit more mellow than moments ago, which reminded me of an angst ridden time, of which I do not like being physically reminded of.
I got news of the miscarriage three weeks ago, and am pondering "am I better." That seems quite convoluted right now.
Time has passed, most friends don't ask me how I am any more, which is normal I am sure. Life keeps going, the world keeps spinning, and what do you even say? People can't read minds and I think most people feel it necessary to move on, as if to inspire joy which is what the person hung out to fry must want. I know life isn't over. I am incredibly blessed. Things could be worse. They could also be better.
My head is what I would like to reason with. I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy and a shit-tastic sense of self worth, which skews everything in my life.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Spin cycle
I have been in a whirlpool of not knowing what I should be doing and am thankfully feeling like I am on an exit path from the swirling. I don't like feeling any form of mental instability and the extreme high and then low knocked me around... It scared me for a bit, reminding me of the past as normal lows in life don't make me feel that way anymore, but this was different. But today is a new day, I feel stronger today than I have in a while and have the most energy I have had in several weeks.
Michael is feeling better as well, which I know is in part because he sees me doing better. I really wanted to not forget about his pain, which sometimes was difficult in my own darkness, but it was definitely worth fighting against. I love that man.
I am getting my nutrition back on track after my "F-it" approach the past couple weeks, and am back to reducing grains, sugar, artificial sweetener, overly processed foods and white flours. I swear the artificial sweetener is the hardest for me to give up! I was raised on sweet n low and anything "diet" so I am quite accustomed to asperatame and was quite sad when I started to learn more about the potentially harmful chemical. Regardless of long term effects, there has been research that shows it may spike insulin more than regular sugar, therefor being even worse than consuming a regularly sugared syrupy drink. Eek!
Yesterday I started adding Apple Cider Vinegar pills to my routine as it MAY assist in weight loss and lowering insulin, so we shall see. There is an incredible amount of supplements and drinks out there supposedly meant to cure everything from cancer to warts, and I occasionally get sucked in, but usually remain pretty skeptical. This one however caught my eye after being discussed in a PCOS group and there is a lot of information online from people who swear it works..so, what the hell?
On the fertility front, I was given the go ahead to start trying to conceive whenever I was able, with the doctor saying she sees women being most fertile after a miscarriage, maybe something to do with our bodies liking being pregnant. I am wearing the monitor again, and am possibly about to ovulate according to temps. Or it wont happen naturally, and I will take Femara again next cycle.
Whichever happens, we are hopeful <3
Michael is feeling better as well, which I know is in part because he sees me doing better. I really wanted to not forget about his pain, which sometimes was difficult in my own darkness, but it was definitely worth fighting against. I love that man.
I am getting my nutrition back on track after my "F-it" approach the past couple weeks, and am back to reducing grains, sugar, artificial sweetener, overly processed foods and white flours. I swear the artificial sweetener is the hardest for me to give up! I was raised on sweet n low and anything "diet" so I am quite accustomed to asperatame and was quite sad when I started to learn more about the potentially harmful chemical. Regardless of long term effects, there has been research that shows it may spike insulin more than regular sugar, therefor being even worse than consuming a regularly sugared syrupy drink. Eek!
Yesterday I started adding Apple Cider Vinegar pills to my routine as it MAY assist in weight loss and lowering insulin, so we shall see. There is an incredible amount of supplements and drinks out there supposedly meant to cure everything from cancer to warts, and I occasionally get sucked in, but usually remain pretty skeptical. This one however caught my eye after being discussed in a PCOS group and there is a lot of information online from people who swear it works..so, what the hell?
On the fertility front, I was given the go ahead to start trying to conceive whenever I was able, with the doctor saying she sees women being most fertile after a miscarriage, maybe something to do with our bodies liking being pregnant. I am wearing the monitor again, and am possibly about to ovulate according to temps. Or it wont happen naturally, and I will take Femara again next cycle.
Whichever happens, we are hopeful <3
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Temporarily Broken.
I don't know what to write but I feel the distinct need to.
.......
Instead of announcing the pregnancy that just one week ago had us in a blissful plane of happiness, I am instead writing about the miscarriage I am currently going through.
Six weeks along, some don't consider that to be a monumental thing to go through...to those people, I say Fuck you.
There was a life growing inside of me.
It no longer is.
Add in that it took us almost five years to see that amazing double line and "PREGNANT" leaping off of the stick...married, in love...and it finally happened. Only to be ripped away from us. I don't care if someone else went through something "worse." If someone went through something worse than that, it doesn't negate the other persons feelings or experiences.
I can hardly describe the ecstatic joy we felt, expecting a child. We adore one another, immensely enjoy each other and don't "need" a child, but we are meant to be parents, together. It felt so RIGHT. As if there was something complete that we didn't even know was missing. And while I know no one is perfect and life is anything but, it's the only word that comes close to describing the happiness we both felt.
Thinking back on the day I found out I was pregnant is bittersweet. I honestly thought the damn test was defective because it was a positive. I contacted my IF group girls and then went out to buy name brand tests and they immediately came back Positive as well. It was incredible. I broke down in hysterical tears, laughter and utter disbelief. Telling my mom, giving Michael a Father's Day card which is how I always wanted to tell him, telling our close friends and family, my girls...all amazing memories that now seem distant and foggy. There is a cloud of truth and sadness that fades in and out, threatening a rain of delusion and depression.
Michael and I were scared, and we talked about our fears but decided to delve in to the utter ecstasy of expecting parents, praying, begging, PLEADING, that the pregnancy and baby were healthy...so holding hands in our sappy, cavity inducing fashion, we started to dream within our new reality. Hesitantly, and then head over heels, feet first in to the pool of pending parenthood.
Something I am trying to be aware of in my own messed up state is to check in with that amazing man I married, because it is the two of us dealing with this. He instantaneously became "Dad" and even now doesn't want to lose that feeling as he says it made him want to be a better man.
I mourn for his feelings and dreams...not because they will never happen, but because I know his heart right now. He is concerned for me because he is a loving and strong husband and my protector, but I know he is hurting. His desire to be a father is put on hold just as mine is to be a mother. I may be more emotional, and going through the physical aspect, but that husband of mine has a huge heart...capable of lovingly dealing with my hormones and insanity, which speaks volumes to the capacity of love that man has. He is going to be an AMAZING Dad. I wish with every fibre of my being it were now, or that it was a current title, but whose life is going exactly as they feel it should.
For now I will attempt to....to remain sane?
.......
Instead of announcing the pregnancy that just one week ago had us in a blissful plane of happiness, I am instead writing about the miscarriage I am currently going through.
Six weeks along, some don't consider that to be a monumental thing to go through...to those people, I say Fuck you.
There was a life growing inside of me.
It no longer is.
Add in that it took us almost five years to see that amazing double line and "PREGNANT" leaping off of the stick...married, in love...and it finally happened. Only to be ripped away from us. I don't care if someone else went through something "worse." If someone went through something worse than that, it doesn't negate the other persons feelings or experiences.
I can hardly describe the ecstatic joy we felt, expecting a child. We adore one another, immensely enjoy each other and don't "need" a child, but we are meant to be parents, together. It felt so RIGHT. As if there was something complete that we didn't even know was missing. And while I know no one is perfect and life is anything but, it's the only word that comes close to describing the happiness we both felt.
Thinking back on the day I found out I was pregnant is bittersweet. I honestly thought the damn test was defective because it was a positive. I contacted my IF group girls and then went out to buy name brand tests and they immediately came back Positive as well. It was incredible. I broke down in hysterical tears, laughter and utter disbelief. Telling my mom, giving Michael a Father's Day card which is how I always wanted to tell him, telling our close friends and family, my girls...all amazing memories that now seem distant and foggy. There is a cloud of truth and sadness that fades in and out, threatening a rain of delusion and depression.
Michael and I were scared, and we talked about our fears but decided to delve in to the utter ecstasy of expecting parents, praying, begging, PLEADING, that the pregnancy and baby were healthy...so holding hands in our sappy, cavity inducing fashion, we started to dream within our new reality. Hesitantly, and then head over heels, feet first in to the pool of pending parenthood.
Something I am trying to be aware of in my own messed up state is to check in with that amazing man I married, because it is the two of us dealing with this. He instantaneously became "Dad" and even now doesn't want to lose that feeling as he says it made him want to be a better man.
I mourn for his feelings and dreams...not because they will never happen, but because I know his heart right now. He is concerned for me because he is a loving and strong husband and my protector, but I know he is hurting. His desire to be a father is put on hold just as mine is to be a mother. I may be more emotional, and going through the physical aspect, but that husband of mine has a huge heart...capable of lovingly dealing with my hormones and insanity, which speaks volumes to the capacity of love that man has. He is going to be an AMAZING Dad. I wish with every fibre of my being it were now, or that it was a current title, but whose life is going exactly as they feel it should.
For now I will attempt to....to remain sane?
Friday, March 29, 2013
We will be ok
In the past few months the holidays whizzed past us at alarming speeds, which included ugly sweaters, pulled back muscles, family, friends, yuletide joy and of course the accompanying hectic feelings that come from wanting to do so much in such a short span.
It can be a very difficult time for those desiring to be parents because when you are READY for them, you are explicitly aware of all of the things you wish you could do with them, whether it be around holidays, social events or a Saturday morning.
We have been blessed in so many ways, and I would never look at a child to fix something, or as a passing fancy. Michael and I have wonderful memories, times shared and have been gifted the ability to form, and to continue to form a strong marriage based on love, respect and adoration (you know, most days. :) ). With all that being said, the two of us feel a specific void when it comes to certain times in the year. I wish we didn't, It almost seems to say what him and i have is not enough, but that is not my intention, nor how either of us feel. It is this innate sense that we are meant to have children with us, and we pray with God's timing that is something coming quickly.
Today I am going for an HSG test (laments terms; a dye is going to get pushed through my fallopian tubes while being x-ray'd to see if there is blockage) which will tell us a lot about how we move forward. I was in panic attack mode momentarily last night, only slightly about the procedure, but largely it was due to the sense that this could be a monumental change in how we look at this. If my tubes are clear, we will move forward with medicated cycles and pray the new medication works for us. On the chance they are not, our journey may be over with trying to conceive.
That thought alone sent me in to my lapse of severe panic mode. They probably aren't. I know this. But I am terrified.
After my heart racing, nail biting, tear fueled pity party passed, I woke up feeling much calmer about the procedure and with the conscious thought that Michael and I will be ok, no matter what. He tells me this consistently, and was nothing short of heroic while I was a ball of tears and trying to catch my breath last night...as has happened too many times over the past few years.
On my way to get ready...
UPDATE:::: the HSG was incredibly painful but they were able to clean minor blockage and my tubes are now completely clear!!!!!! I will be starting femara soon!!!! Eeeeek!!!
It can be a very difficult time for those desiring to be parents because when you are READY for them, you are explicitly aware of all of the things you wish you could do with them, whether it be around holidays, social events or a Saturday morning.
We have been blessed in so many ways, and I would never look at a child to fix something, or as a passing fancy. Michael and I have wonderful memories, times shared and have been gifted the ability to form, and to continue to form a strong marriage based on love, respect and adoration (you know, most days. :) ). With all that being said, the two of us feel a specific void when it comes to certain times in the year. I wish we didn't, It almost seems to say what him and i have is not enough, but that is not my intention, nor how either of us feel. It is this innate sense that we are meant to have children with us, and we pray with God's timing that is something coming quickly.
Today I am going for an HSG test (laments terms; a dye is going to get pushed through my fallopian tubes while being x-ray'd to see if there is blockage) which will tell us a lot about how we move forward. I was in panic attack mode momentarily last night, only slightly about the procedure, but largely it was due to the sense that this could be a monumental change in how we look at this. If my tubes are clear, we will move forward with medicated cycles and pray the new medication works for us. On the chance they are not, our journey may be over with trying to conceive.
That thought alone sent me in to my lapse of severe panic mode. They probably aren't. I know this. But I am terrified.
After my heart racing, nail biting, tear fueled pity party passed, I woke up feeling much calmer about the procedure and with the conscious thought that Michael and I will be ok, no matter what. He tells me this consistently, and was nothing short of heroic while I was a ball of tears and trying to catch my breath last night...as has happened too many times over the past few years.
On my way to get ready...
UPDATE:::: the HSG was incredibly painful but they were able to clean minor blockage and my tubes are now completely clear!!!!!! I will be starting femara soon!!!! Eeeeek!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Just a wee bit frustrated.
As I sit here, I am feeling a mixture of anger, anxiety and sadness take over...battling with the positive side of me I so very much prefer.
I don't want to feel this way. My dream would be to be completely content with knowing "when its our time" we will be parents. I wish, pray, beg that I could believe that 100% of the time.
This frustrating sense of failure and incompetence is exhausting and robs the day of any sunshine. It cheapens the blessings we do share. It wastes minutes, hours, days that we will never get back.
But it doesn't just stop with that knowledge. It sneaks up with a stupid pregnancy announcement. (which when you are infertile they all are and are all stupid. sorry, but it's true ). It pokes at you like thousands of needles as you plan a baby shower. It embodies a vice, suffocating you as family and friends say their ridiculous "helpful" statements. It makes you want to scream when parents talk about you being the lucky one or pregnant people try to make you feel better. It makes wonderful time such as Christmas feel lacking and void of what should or could be.
It makes you see a second line on a pregnancy test after staring at the stick for five minutes without blinking.
But most importantly...it makes you feel less like a human being.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Emotions, Soul Searching and Love.
A few months ago we decided to take a break on using fertility medication. I used Clomid, Prometrium, Estrogen and Estradiol then moved to Vitex for a more natural approach but nothing worked and the prescription meds made me feel like an insane gorilla.
I didn't like what it did to me, which in turn affected US which is definitely not worth it to me.
There is a thought that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey...At what point are we trying to play God? What if I am not meant to carry a child?
The thought that I may never carry a child brought instantaneous tears several months ago...but as I sit here today, there are no tears, only a familiar tug at my heart. I started to battle those tears a few months ago because I had always knew I was meant to be a mom...but what if the thought of wanting to carry a child was only out of feelings and not necessity? Maybe I am not "meant" to have a biological child.
Trying to differentiate between emotions and reality can be a muddled, messy adventure in tears, but I am glad I started the journey.
What I have learned is that if Michael and I would love a child we found on the side of the road, what is causing me to feel like I need to bear a child?
Here is what i came up with;
Would I miss the biological bond? Does the bonding period of carrying a child or breast feeding make or break motherhood?
The answers that I kept coming to were a resounding "no." Of course there is importance in those bonds but I know with 100% certainty that Michael and I would not love or care for a child any less if he or she does not have our genes. In fact we started joking about all of our families issues, wondering why we would want to have a biological child in the first place :)
So here we are, about to attend an orientation in a few days to start the fost/adopt process and we could not be more excited.
I didn't like what it did to me, which in turn affected US which is definitely not worth it to me.
There is a thought that has plagued me from the beginning of this journey...At what point are we trying to play God? What if I am not meant to carry a child?
The thought that I may never carry a child brought instantaneous tears several months ago...but as I sit here today, there are no tears, only a familiar tug at my heart. I started to battle those tears a few months ago because I had always knew I was meant to be a mom...but what if the thought of wanting to carry a child was only out of feelings and not necessity? Maybe I am not "meant" to have a biological child.
Trying to differentiate between emotions and reality can be a muddled, messy adventure in tears, but I am glad I started the journey.
What I have learned is that if Michael and I would love a child we found on the side of the road, what is causing me to feel like I need to bear a child?
Here is what i came up with;
Would I miss the biological bond? Does the bonding period of carrying a child or breast feeding make or break motherhood?
The answers that I kept coming to were a resounding "no." Of course there is importance in those bonds but I know with 100% certainty that Michael and I would not love or care for a child any less if he or she does not have our genes. In fact we started joking about all of our families issues, wondering why we would want to have a biological child in the first place :)
So here we are, about to attend an orientation in a few days to start the fost/adopt process and we could not be more excited.
Monday, May 21, 2012
They didn't know they were pregnant...
I may not either?!
Ever since I can remember I can manifest symptoms that make me think I could be pregnant. This has matured (or arguably been reduced) to thinking I may be one of those women who pops out a child on their gym floor because they had no idea they were pregnant. They couldn't possibly have gotten pregnant so why would they think they were?
The only problem is I am going through this almost monthly. Maybe the period was really light. Implantation spotting! French fries and peanut butter sound good? Pregnancy cravings! Suddenly start to cry... First trimester hormones!
Ahhhhh!
I have been told I am not ovulating, but maybe the doctors are wrong and I will be one of those women who did not think it was possible and then Surprise!!
Its possible.
Highly improbable I am aware.
For now, I will continuously pee on sticks, wonder if my pelvic pain is ovulation, and dream that maybe, just maybe, I will go in to labor while on a remote camping trip and be able to say "I was told I couldn't get pregnant and now look at me!"
Now even I want to slap myself.
Ever since I can remember I can manifest symptoms that make me think I could be pregnant. This has matured (or arguably been reduced) to thinking I may be one of those women who pops out a child on their gym floor because they had no idea they were pregnant. They couldn't possibly have gotten pregnant so why would they think they were?
The only problem is I am going through this almost monthly. Maybe the period was really light. Implantation spotting! French fries and peanut butter sound good? Pregnancy cravings! Suddenly start to cry... First trimester hormones!
Ahhhhh!
I have been told I am not ovulating, but maybe the doctors are wrong and I will be one of those women who did not think it was possible and then Surprise!!
Its possible.
Highly improbable I am aware.
For now, I will continuously pee on sticks, wonder if my pelvic pain is ovulation, and dream that maybe, just maybe, I will go in to labor while on a remote camping trip and be able to say "I was told I couldn't get pregnant and now look at me!"
Now even I want to slap myself.
Trying not to think about it
A friend has a cousin who is supposedly pregnant. This girl is apparently unfit to be a mom and the friend is going to encourage adoption after pregnancy is confirmed. The part that I am trying not to think about is that this friend would suggest Michael and I to be the adoptive parents.
It brings such hope and heartbreak to my heart to even begin to think on this...I got chills while she was telling me but the part that made my heart skip a beat? The baby would have the exact same nationality as a biological child of ours would.
That little part mystifies me and is causing me to hold on to this as a possibility. The logical side knows how insane this sounds and if this were a cartoon my brain would jump out and smack me with a "SMACK" bubble displayed prominently.
But what if?
It brings such hope and heartbreak to my heart to even begin to think on this...I got chills while she was telling me but the part that made my heart skip a beat? The baby would have the exact same nationality as a biological child of ours would.
That little part mystifies me and is causing me to hold on to this as a possibility. The logical side knows how insane this sounds and if this were a cartoon my brain would jump out and smack me with a "SMACK" bubble displayed prominently.
But what if?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The claw of Clomid and unfortunate side effects
I went from feeling like we were in gridlock on the freeway to being detoured through a bad part of town.
Clomid did not work. My levels were doubled, but still incredibly low meaning once again no ovulation.
I immediately knew we would not try it again right away. We were already apprehensive to increase it before and agreed to take a break if it didn't work again.
Stating that and accepting that are two very different things.
One of the reasons I did not want to go on Clomid again is because it makes me a raving lunatic. Crying randomly and in a dark place it was not fun for me or Michael. I truly believe it reacted with me badly due to past issues with depression so since it didn't help me ovulate I knew it wasn't worth it.
Two months later and I finally feel free from the claw of Clomid which is wonderful! (all about silver lining's right now). I am focusing on getting healthier and since I had a miscarriage at 20 pounds lighter 4 years ago, there is a possibility I will ovulate on my own when lighter.
Clomid not working brought about the discussion of adoption again and while I am 100% excited for that idea, I am pained to not be able to provide a child for Michael. he says that's ok and that he would love any child as his own...it's still a feeling of failure on my part. I do know however, that those are feelings I need to deal with and process.
Can't I just reach a certain age and not need to improve or learn anything?
:)
Also, I went on Metformin to assist in possibly balancing hormones and maybe weight loss but guess what...I freakin' GAINED. I had thoughts of ovulating on this medication, losing weight, etc. and now I am trying to lose the weight it put on. Thanks body, for being so predictably difficult.
Clomid did not work. My levels were doubled, but still incredibly low meaning once again no ovulation.
I immediately knew we would not try it again right away. We were already apprehensive to increase it before and agreed to take a break if it didn't work again.
Stating that and accepting that are two very different things.
One of the reasons I did not want to go on Clomid again is because it makes me a raving lunatic. Crying randomly and in a dark place it was not fun for me or Michael. I truly believe it reacted with me badly due to past issues with depression so since it didn't help me ovulate I knew it wasn't worth it.
Two months later and I finally feel free from the claw of Clomid which is wonderful! (all about silver lining's right now). I am focusing on getting healthier and since I had a miscarriage at 20 pounds lighter 4 years ago, there is a possibility I will ovulate on my own when lighter.
Clomid not working brought about the discussion of adoption again and while I am 100% excited for that idea, I am pained to not be able to provide a child for Michael. he says that's ok and that he would love any child as his own...it's still a feeling of failure on my part. I do know however, that those are feelings I need to deal with and process.
Can't I just reach a certain age and not need to improve or learn anything?
:)
Also, I went on Metformin to assist in possibly balancing hormones and maybe weight loss but guess what...I freakin' GAINED. I had thoughts of ovulating on this medication, losing weight, etc. and now I am trying to lose the weight it put on. Thanks body, for being so predictably difficult.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Staring contest.
When I am perhaps too overwhelmed or possibly fresh out of tears, I stare.
Sometimes at the TV, but usually at some inanimate object that I bore in to as my tired mind and heart take a breather.
My progesterone levels came back and it doesn't sound good. I am waiting for the doctor to call and confirm but it sounds like I did not ovulate. Until I hear those words from the doctor however I am mostly keeping distant from the scared and pissed off emotions I know are waiting in the wings.
So for now...I stare.
Sometimes at the TV, but usually at some inanimate object that I bore in to as my tired mind and heart take a breather.
My progesterone levels came back and it doesn't sound good. I am waiting for the doctor to call and confirm but it sounds like I did not ovulate. Until I hear those words from the doctor however I am mostly keeping distant from the scared and pissed off emotions I know are waiting in the wings.
So for now...I stare.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I have seen women who struggle with infertility complain when women talk about how they are scared for labor, terrified to a parent or how creepy pregnancy is. That these women need to just be grateful and blessed.
But the truth is, I feel all of these things! I want to be a mother so bad it's painful but that doesn't change my views on the other.
I am hands down terrified to be a parent. It's easy to singularly judge parents' decisions or think we can do it better, but to actually raise a child? You are responsible for helping to raise a child to be the best human being they can be. Now that is responsibility.
Pregnancy. It's is a tad creepy. It is a beautiful miracle which I COMPLETELY agree with...but think about it. Something that looks like a minnow grows in you, attaches itself to you, uses your nutrition to grow and can make you pee your pants if it, once bigger, kicks you the wrong way. Your feet swell for some reason which I am still unsure of and you carry around a bowling ball (or watermelon) until it is time for labor. And labor? Oh holy cow. Your vagina stretches 10cm which might as well be 10 feet while envisioning it, I am scared to rip or tear and the though of an epidural makes me squirm and please nurse, do not tell me if I poop on the table.
That all being said...I can't wait to go through it all if it means bringing home a healthy happy little baby.
On a side note, here is a link of what not to say to someone struggling with infertility...let the eye rolling begin!
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
On a side note, here is a link of what not to say to someone struggling with infertility...let the eye rolling begin!
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Friday, March 2, 2012
Glee carbs and tears.
Hello Friday night!
I had plans tonight while Michael climbs with friends but I cancelled them because I am just all over the place. Today marks day 14 of my cycle so I finished Clomid last week and Estradiol (estrogen) a couple of days ago. I had fewer hot flashes, only a couple of headaches and so far my breasts are not as bad as last month. I felt a little uneven but not too emotional, but that seemed to change a few days ago. Now we are back to random bouts of sadness and overwhelming tears.
Cue Glee.
And nothing sounds good, except for some left over bread in the cupboard.
Cue carbs.
I had plans tonight while Michael climbs with friends but I cancelled them because I am just all over the place. Today marks day 14 of my cycle so I finished Clomid last week and Estradiol (estrogen) a couple of days ago. I had fewer hot flashes, only a couple of headaches and so far my breasts are not as bad as last month. I felt a little uneven but not too emotional, but that seemed to change a few days ago. Now we are back to random bouts of sadness and overwhelming tears.
Cue Glee.
And nothing sounds good, except for some left over bread in the cupboard.
Cue carbs.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Nervous Excitement
I called BS when my doctor said I may start my cycle on my own. I will be the first to admit that I was 100% sure she was wrong and that I would have to take something to jump start everything. As a matter of fact I was annoyed at being told ot wait a bit to see if it started.
Well.
Egg on my face foot in my mouth it started! It started with a danged vengeance and I have barely moved in two days but today is day 3 and I start the 75mg of Clomid tonight!
Eek! Once again this cycle will tell a lot about where we go from here but as of right now, I am so incredibly excited to start the process again. In this moment, pregnancy is possible. In this moment, I could have a blessed little child in 9 months. In this moment, I am excited. In this moment, I am not experiencing the side effects yet.
:)
Well.
Egg on my face foot in my mouth it started! It started with a danged vengeance and I have barely moved in two days but today is day 3 and I start the 75mg of Clomid tonight!
Eek! Once again this cycle will tell a lot about where we go from here but as of right now, I am so incredibly excited to start the process again. In this moment, pregnancy is possible. In this moment, I could have a blessed little child in 9 months. In this moment, I am excited. In this moment, I am not experiencing the side effects yet.
:)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I needed a moment
The first month of Clomid did not result in happy tears unfortunately. Instead it resulted in frustration and sadness, after which I desperately needed a moment to process it all.
We started on 50mg and I tolerated it pretty well. I had hot flashes and sore breasts, trouble sleeping and could get the urge to cry at a stiff breeze. (Michael asked me to peel oranges one day and I burst in to tears).
One thing however that I find intolerable is the fact that it was painful during sex at times. After speaking to a few people it sounds like Clomid can cause cervical dryness and I am looking in the recommended lubricants. (preseed?)
I had the vaginal ultrasound which showed "cysts" (follicles) which was a great sigh even if they weren't as big as the doctor would want. One week later I had a blood test to confirm ovulation.
Confirm ovulation it did not however. My progesterone was at .8 which is a horrible response to Clomid and tells me that it did not work for me.
While I knew it was possible it didn't work I was convinced it had. The positive ultrasound and side effects made me think I did ovulate and by golly I could get pregnant. We had sex, I tried not to move for 30 minutes, I ate well, exercised, took my vitamins. And then was told it wouldn't have worked anyways.
Maybe it was the exercise...
:)
Sigh.
I was told that the doctor wanted to triple the Clomid, add estrogen and progesterone for month #2 which has us immediately unsure. Adding too many medications is a reason we wouldn't do IVF and it concerns me to ingest things that could harm a potential baby.
After talking to the doctor however she only wanted to increase it by 25 mg and which makes me feel a little better about it all, but I do not see us increasing it any more.
I struggle with the thought of stopping the medication or stopping the increase but at what point are we trying to play God? At what point am I just not meant to carry a child? I have always felt that I am meant to, but what if thats purely emotional and not what God has in store for me?
There is no easy answer, The only thing I do know however is that we are meant to be parents, even if it's not biologically. If the Clomid doesn't work this month, we are going to start the process to become foster parents again which is exciting. Michael has been amazing and I am so very blessed to call him my husband and best friend.
We started on 50mg and I tolerated it pretty well. I had hot flashes and sore breasts, trouble sleeping and could get the urge to cry at a stiff breeze. (Michael asked me to peel oranges one day and I burst in to tears).
One thing however that I find intolerable is the fact that it was painful during sex at times. After speaking to a few people it sounds like Clomid can cause cervical dryness and I am looking in the recommended lubricants. (preseed?)
I had the vaginal ultrasound which showed "cysts" (follicles) which was a great sigh even if they weren't as big as the doctor would want. One week later I had a blood test to confirm ovulation.
Confirm ovulation it did not however. My progesterone was at .8 which is a horrible response to Clomid and tells me that it did not work for me.
While I knew it was possible it didn't work I was convinced it had. The positive ultrasound and side effects made me think I did ovulate and by golly I could get pregnant. We had sex, I tried not to move for 30 minutes, I ate well, exercised, took my vitamins. And then was told it wouldn't have worked anyways.
Maybe it was the exercise...
:)
Sigh.
I was told that the doctor wanted to triple the Clomid, add estrogen and progesterone for month #2 which has us immediately unsure. Adding too many medications is a reason we wouldn't do IVF and it concerns me to ingest things that could harm a potential baby.
After talking to the doctor however she only wanted to increase it by 25 mg and which makes me feel a little better about it all, but I do not see us increasing it any more.
I struggle with the thought of stopping the medication or stopping the increase but at what point are we trying to play God? At what point am I just not meant to carry a child? I have always felt that I am meant to, but what if thats purely emotional and not what God has in store for me?
There is no easy answer, The only thing I do know however is that we are meant to be parents, even if it's not biologically. If the Clomid doesn't work this month, we are going to start the process to become foster parents again which is exciting. Michael has been amazing and I am so very blessed to call him my husband and best friend.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Updates, Updates, get your updates here
January update:
January 1st marked the day I started Prometrium to jumpstart that uterus of mine, and now I am waiting to start Clomid, after three days of my cycle.
I tolerated Prometrium WAY better than the generic Progesterone in November (see weepy tender boobed mess in earlier post) but it was $25 compared to $1...annoying but still worth it. I only had headaches and acne, but generally kept whatever sanity I have left.
Blood test:
PCOS is confirmed with a 3:1 ratio of LSH.
ZERO diabetes
LOW cholesterol
The PCOS confirmation was expected but I am overjoyed about the diabetes and cholesterol! I immediately wanted to drink a milkshake and run a marathon at the same time!
I have been doing pretty good with nutrition and juicing regularly (see In The Kitchen blog) and have lost a few pounds, so am definitely moving in the right direction. The great news on the blood gave me even more inspiration to do what I can to stay healthy and become healthier...for me, my husband and hopefully our child one day.
And for some ever important infertility humor:
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/11/702-would-it-be-great-to-be-pregnant-at-the-same-time/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/708-what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/09/722-just-relax-and-it-wont-happen/
January 1st marked the day I started Prometrium to jumpstart that uterus of mine, and now I am waiting to start Clomid, after three days of my cycle.
I tolerated Prometrium WAY better than the generic Progesterone in November (see weepy tender boobed mess in earlier post) but it was $25 compared to $1...annoying but still worth it. I only had headaches and acne, but generally kept whatever sanity I have left.
Blood test:
PCOS is confirmed with a 3:1 ratio of LSH.
ZERO diabetes
LOW cholesterol
The PCOS confirmation was expected but I am overjoyed about the diabetes and cholesterol! I immediately wanted to drink a milkshake and run a marathon at the same time!
I have been doing pretty good with nutrition and juicing regularly (see In The Kitchen blog) and have lost a few pounds, so am definitely moving in the right direction. The great news on the blood gave me even more inspiration to do what I can to stay healthy and become healthier...for me, my husband and hopefully our child one day.
And for some ever important infertility humor:
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/11/702-would-it-be-great-to-be-pregnant-at-the-same-time/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/708-what-to-expect-when-youre-not-expecting/
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/09/722-just-relax-and-it-wont-happen/
That's what friends are for
My husband is a strong, supportive, caring and great man, but being my best friend and husband means he takes the brunt of every emotion I have whether medically enhanced or not. I adore him and he is my rock, but at the same time, he is my husband. Not a therapist, not a woman...he does not completely get why a Pepsi commercial may make me cry, or why an apple may induce some type of insane connection to being childless...and that is ok. Because of this and the fact that I still want him to want to come home, I have enlisted reinforcements.
While I am excited to start Clomid in a couple days I am aware it could make me a hormonal banchee, so I sent a message to a couple of close friends because just when I should, I do not reach out to others. It takes a lot for me to say I need help emotionally but I am working on that and decided to lay the ground work now, before I decide the world hates me. My goal is to gain support from people other than my husband because that poor, wonderful man deserves a break and that's what friends are for right? :)
While I am excited to start Clomid in a couple days I am aware it could make me a hormonal banchee, so I sent a message to a couple of close friends because just when I should, I do not reach out to others. It takes a lot for me to say I need help emotionally but I am working on that and decided to lay the ground work now, before I decide the world hates me. My goal is to gain support from people other than my husband because that poor, wonderful man deserves a break and that's what friends are for right? :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
It's SANTA!!
I survived the holidays. Oh praise the Lord.
Christmas has come and gone and the quickness of the arrival and departure of yuletide cheer says something about the years that are starting to quickly pass by.
I love Christmas. My dream house is something out of a National Lampoon movie and would attract passers by like moths to a flame. However, it's a hard time to wish to be parents...once you have kids its all about them so when you go visit family where EVERYONE (4-5 couples) has children, you feel like the odd man out of some inside joke.
The look of a child's face as they view Christmas lights, sing a long to carols, see Santa for the first time,, make their annual gingerbread house, or sloppily smear frosting on freshly baked sugar cookies...its all magical and makes the childless, seemingly barren among us yearn even more. (who knew that was possible?)
Christmas has come and gone and the quickness of the arrival and departure of yuletide cheer says something about the years that are starting to quickly pass by.
I love Christmas. My dream house is something out of a National Lampoon movie and would attract passers by like moths to a flame. However, it's a hard time to wish to be parents...once you have kids its all about them so when you go visit family where EVERYONE (4-5 couples) has children, you feel like the odd man out of some inside joke.
The look of a child's face as they view Christmas lights, sing a long to carols, see Santa for the first time,, make their annual gingerbread house, or sloppily smear frosting on freshly baked sugar cookies...its all magical and makes the childless, seemingly barren among us yearn even more. (who knew that was possible?)
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